My heart races, my palms sweat, every  nerve in my body is taught like a wire being pulled against itself..

I cant do this, this one simple thing..I cannot accept that  for one, they even look like my attacker and in them I am to  see the faces of all who have invaded my space my psyche..stretching back through my personal history to childhood.

In that  moment, I  know such  fear, a paralysis of the heart, a numbing of the muscles. No reflex actions except an awareness that the sweat trickling down my back is becoming colder and alerting me to return to the body, to the space I would rather not inhabit.

I hear his soft voice of encouragement , its just role play, the space is safe. I will come to no harm,   adding to a gentle assurance  in me,  and around me, newly found, of something greater there , something softer more loving.  An energy that is  protective.. An experience  I have barely managed to analyze yet, let alone understand.

I know I can lie down later and breathe it all through me,  process the feelings, release all the emotions , cry maybe scream.  Whatever it takes to move through the energy..this extraordinary build up inside me of unacknowledged pain and suppressed feelings..

That was the beginning for me..

16 something years ago when I stepped of the blinkered path and onto the wide awake- where you at one -like it -or not..

The path of self awareness.

Awareness of my own issues, my needs my desires..my pasts my futures., my flaws, my myths, my intuitions and the patterning of events .  I had to face them all..and sometimes I still do.

It is the foundation stone, the tap root and the reason why now, I can forgive, but not forget.

Because to forget would take me back into darkness again.

Lead me back to the half asleep somnambulist  zombie status that is so easily achieved these days.

Just turn on your TV and find out how..

Just light up yet another  a cigarette and be the slave.  Whatever the addiction of choice is , suits the great sleep..the complex one..the well just -join the particular herd of choice one.

Just buy into the mythology of  the New Age  Cosmic Twinkies who offer succor from the nipple of easily spun, soft spoken, meaningless rhetoric and mindless drivel.  Tune into the religious zealots, the mind gamers and the manipulators who claim to be something so much greater than they are..

Just forget ,and in the great forgetting, forget  that you have the wisdom in the blood you were born with. Whatever the question is, the answer is within.

Peel away the layers around your gut, the distractions  and  the ideals that are inevitably, someone  elses, and find the truth that  is your own story, no ones elses  but yours.

Become a warrior for truth within.  A free thinking , wide ranging hunter for the juices of passion and genuine wisdom.

Stalk it , stalk the truth in each individual you meet , its amazing just how someones behavior will teach you either how to be, or how to not be..

Question everything.. sometimes things come clear in a flash of insights.. I have had those moments  yes, but I know them to be sometimes to late to change what I did, but I make sure I don’t go back to the same place again..in other words I am open to learn  and to renew.

Yes it takes courage  and  I have known great fear in the depths of it all, along with great anger, of which I am proud, as it is much needed  at times, especially in the  face of the liars and abusive ones in all sorts of guises. Vital fire if you are a woman who has been programmed by society that anger is somehow unfeminine..

I see that as recent history and backlash fodder. You only have to look at the ancient myths to know just how angry the Goddess would get on a daily basis and usually with good reason….

So,  we  all have to face our inner fears and shapes of shadows at some point,  and we see them reflected  every day in our lives  and  in the world.. For me they are increasing it seems, manifesting in the macrocosm as I examine the microcosm  of my  insignificant life..I see a world in transition,  in pain and suffering ..the pushing process of birth  perhaps labor pains, I don’t know.

I only see in many places, the blind leading the blind..

When I write of the wild, its an energy in me that is fueled  sometimes by  a longing, that we should be something greater by now, something so much more than what we are.. and are becoming.

The memory I start with here is the place where I began.  I take nine white stones and put them in a circle around me..I create a space that is filled with my own story , a place that is charged and humming with the energy of love.

That is how it is now, and how it has always been.